Change of Plans

How to start.

I have been sitting here for the last five minutes trying to decide.

I guess I will just dive in.

We were supposed to go to El Paso, TX this week. The plan was to leave yesterday at noon.
The goal was to go to my youngest brother, Jim's, house to spend Thanksgiving with them. It would have been a hard trip. 1000 miles one way through country that we are not familiar with and at a time of year when the weather can be nasty. It was also going to be hard because we knew that without a miracle, this would be the last time that we saw Jim alive.

You see, he has been sick a long time....several years. The last few months have been brutal for him with his health deteriorating and pain increasing and....well.....just brutal. So he and his wife, Val, went to Mayo Clinic in October. At first it seemed like there was maybe some hope...that maybe his initial diagnosis several years ago had been incorrect and that there were some other things that could be done. But that hope was short lived and the diagnosis of cancer was added to his original auto immune diagnosis and then discussions of Hospice care and pain management became the topics.

The end was near. We all knew it.....but none of us knew how quickly it would come. I had talked to Jim for the last time on his birthday, November 19th. He turned 34. He was upbeat as usual and we talked about our trip, his birthday plans (cake!) and the kids and how he was feeling. Nothing too out of the usual at all. I could hear the kids playing in the background.

The call came at 1:30 am Saturday, November 22nd. I didn't even hear the phone so John answered and Val said that Jim had just passed away.

It was over. The knot that had been in my gut for the last 3 weeks finally relaxed and stopped hurting. Selfishly, I was disappointed not to have gotten that last visit, that last hug, even though it would have been hard to drive away....knowing those were the last.

Realistically, I can't say that I would wish him back to be in pain and to linger.

So....change of plans.....we will go to Broken Bow for a funeral at the end of the week.

I am ok with that. I am comforted by the fact that God has always purposed this for Jim. His presence in Jim's life was evident....he was loving, caring, kind, unselfish, encouraging, and purposeful about his life. He did A LOT of living in his 34 years. He was not a church going man, but the Fruits of the Spirit were totally visible in his life.

I talked to him several times while he was at Mayos. After he got the cancer news, he talked pretty openly about it. He said, "I guess I'm dunna kick the bucket." (He always was dunna do something...."I'm dunna go to town" :)) It was not a huge surprise to him.....just not welcome. We talked about faith and God. That conversation ended with him saying..."Me and God are in a happy place." (Grammar wasn't his strong suit either :))

I will be putting down other memories about my baby brother over the next few months.